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What is domestic violence?
What is the rate of domestic
violence? 1 in 9 men will be in an abusive relationship in his lifetime.* *CDC Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System Survey, 2005
How common is domestic violence in
the state of Texas? *Texas Council on Family Violence, http://www.tcfv.org/ Why doesn’t the victim just leave? Why do they stay with someone who is abusive toward them? There are multiple complicating factors that make it difficult for victims to leave their abusers. Some of the reasons are listed below: žThreats- It is common in abusive relationships for the abuser to threaten the victim, including threats to kill the victim, to kill themselves, to hurt or take the children, etc. In fact, often times the most dangerous point for a victim in an abusive relationship is when they leave their abuser, as that is the point when the abuser realizes that they no longer have power and control over the victim, and they may do anything they can to regain that power and control. Thus, it is critical that the victims make the decision as to when they should leave their abuser, as they will know when it is safest for them to leave. žIsolation- In many abusive relationships the abuser isolates the victim from family and friends as a way of maintaining power and control over them. Unfortunately, this often leaves the victim feeling as though they have no one to turn to for help and support when they are thinking about leaving their abuser. žFinancial dependency- The abuser will often control the resources within the relationship in order to maintain power and control over the victim, for example, victims are often given a set allowance. This makes it difficult to leave the relationship, as the victim has no money for food, shelter, or transportation, and leaving the abuser could mean being homeless. This is especially difficult for victims with children. žSocial Attitudes- Within our culture, when talking about domestic violence, we often place the blame and the responsibility with the victim. This then makes victims feel as if they are solely responsible for getting themselves into and out of their abusive relationships. In addition, the belief that you have to honor your marriage vows and stand by your partner through the good and the bad still exists in our culture, and often times victims are counseled to do such rather than honor themselves and their safety and leave their abuser. žFeelings of guilt – Victims often feel guilty for leaving or wanting to leave their abusers because they have internalized the blame and the responsibility for the abusive behavior, as that is how the abuser has made them feel. For example; “I wouldn’t hit you if you would just shut your mouth and do what I tell you to do.” Thus, victims start to feel like they are responsible for the battering and if they just adjust their behavior then the relationship will get better and the battering will stop. Unfortunately, the battering does not stop- it only continues to get worse unless there is some form of intervention. žPromises to change- Abusive relationships typically go through cycles. First, there is the tension-building phase, which is when both the batterer and the victim know that something is coming, and the victim does everything they can to appease the abuser. Second, there is the explosion phase, which is when the battering usually occurs, whether it is physical, emotional, or sexual. Finally, there is the honeymoon phase, which is when the abuser apologizes, promises to change, and promises to never to hurt the victim again. The victim typically believes these promises, as they want to believe that their partner truly loves them, and that they can change, and that their relationship will get better. Unfortunately, the honeymoon phase is just another piece of the abuser’s power and control over the victim, and it is just another way of reeling the victim back in. žLove- People often think that abusive relationships start off abusive right away- this is not true. Most abusive relationships start off like any other healthy relationship- with chemistry, attraction, affection, and love- and then things slowly start to escalate into an abusive situation. Therefore, it is often difficult for victims to just pick up and leave their abusers, as they still love them and want to believe that they can change. Most individuals, if they are being honest with themselves, will admit that they have been in relationships that were not good for them- yet they did not recognize it at the time because of their strong feelings for the other person. Unfortunately, our feelings in relationships can often cloud our judgment and prevent us from seeing things that are not good for us. Instead of asking, “Why doesn’t the victim just leave?”, the question we need to be asking is, “Why doesn’t the batterer stop abusing the victim?”. What is Sexual Assault? Sexual assault includes several different types of crimes such as rape, incest, child molestation, marital rape, and exposure. Most often crimes are perpetrated by someone the victim already knows; e.g. acquaintances or friends, relatives, or intimate partners. * Sexual assault, or rape, is a violent crime, not a sexual act. The myth that men who rape women are sexually deprived or pathological is being dispelled and replaced with the understanding that rape is more of an act of power and control than lust. **
*Reported by Texas Association Against Sexual Assault,
www.taasa.org What is the rate of sexual assault? 1 in 6 women will be the victim of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime.* 1 in 33 men will be the victim of rape or attempted rape in his lifetime. * *Reported by National Institute of Justice & Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2000 How common is sexual assault in Texas? In Texas, over 250 women and 600 boys and girls are raped every day.* In addition, approximately 28 men are sexually assaulted every day in Texas. **
*National Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center, 2001 Aren’t some victims “asking for it” by their actions, or the way they dress? It is true that there are some safety precautions every person can take to make themselves safer and to try and avoid sexual assault. However, even if someone doesn’t take any safety precautions and does all of the “wrong” things, it does not mean that they are in any way “asking” to be sexually assaulted, or that they deserve it. Additionally, if someone does all the “wrong” things, it in no way justifies the horrendous act of completely violating someone’s body and taking away their ability to say no. What are some precautions that you can take to date safely? 1) Know exactly where you are going and for how long. 2) Know how you will get home before you go somewhere. 3) Bring money for a phone call or a taxi. 4) Try not to be alone with someone you don’t know well. 5) Have a designated sober person go with you to parties. 6) NEVER leave your drink unattended. 7) Don’t accept a drink unless you watched it being made. 8) Say “no” clearly if something makes you uncomfortable. 9) Follow your instincts- if there is a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, try and remove yourself from that situation as quickly and safely as possible. What do you do if you’ve been assaulted? ž Get to a safe place. žCall someone you can trust. žCall 911 for police assistance (this does NOT mean you have to prosecute). žGet medical attention BEFORE cleaning up in any way (no douching, showering, changing clothes, etc.). In doing so, you could destroy important evidence. žIf you think you’ve been drugged, tell the doctor. Blood and urine tests can be collected as evidence.
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